I am free falling. It is difficult to breath. I am frightened. I feel alone. I saw it coming. Why didn’t I get out sooner? I knew. Everyone who knows me, knew. I feel stupid. However unglued I feel, I know nothing has really changed. The only thing that has changed; I am no longer with someone who makes me feel really bad about myself, for having any kind of needs. He is masterful in turning HIS inability to care for me, into MY shame. Still, he is articulate, successful. I can’t help wondering, could he be right? I am confused, I guess that feeling confused is the only normal thing I have felt in a while. I want to make excuses for him, but I know I am only hurting myself. Love should never feel this bad. And this feels really bad! I need an action plan. I have to get into some kind of therapy. I need to commit to change. I feel desperate, yet a little relived. I am going to do whatever it takes to help me gain control over myself.
I reflect on our time together; in the beginning, I felt complete. I felt adored. I felt loved, even when we had our disagreements. There was NOTHING like it! It was an amazing high. However, as time went on I felt insecure, desperate, and alone. He ignored and raged against my choices, desires, preferences, and needs. He hated my friends. He disapproved of my parenting. It was a series of troubling thoughts, actions, and inactions that brought me to this end. My inner self panicked as the “worst” of us became our new normal. I tried over and over to open some kind of dialogue as the relationship felt like it was slipping away. He was quick to tell me nothing has changed; he would always follow up with his standard; “You are making problems…stop acting crazy or needy.” Frustrated, I tried to end things time and again. Every time I tried to leave the relationship, he reverted back to his attentive, charming self. “Just give me more time, I am going through a ruff time, we will be ok” he both declared and begged. This would keep me satisfied for a time, but the cycles continued. In time this cycling, became commonplace. I cycled too. It felt like this… The longer I invest the more alone I feel. The more alone I feel, the more confused I become. I am lost even to myself. I know I have to get to get out, but I am also afraid, and confused. By the end, I was more than ready to leave. however, I was not fully prepared for what came next…
Write down all the reasons YOU think something is wrong. Do not let anyone (HIM) tell you how you feel. Ask yourself; do you feel alone, neglected, mistreated, and frustrated? Are you afraid to be alone? Are you unhappy, confused, and crying all the time about your relationship but unwilling to let go of your partner? If you answered yes to any of these questions you might need to look deep inside yourself for answers. If you have ended a hurtful relationship or someone toxic has left you, and you want to go back; make an action plan. Even small changes make a difference. Wake up ten minutes earlier each morning and take this time to write or research. (I needed to do more) I joined a boxing gym. I got myself into therapy. I began, reading researching and journalizing. However, drastic or not, changes are important to your healing. Just a few more suggestions for change; take classes at the local library. Start walking after work. Reestablish a connection with your place of worship. Reconnect with lost friendships. Today, think about your plan of action. Write out some of your possible strategies.