Since I am ahead of you in this process I see nothing wrong with giving you a few short cuts. I know you feel alone. This feeling of being alone as described by Ross Rosenberg (you can find his videos on Youtube.com) is called pathological loneliness. It is a powerful feeling that can cloud thinking. When you suffer from pathological loneliness the idea of separation from him-her (your narcissist) is overwhelming. I felt very alone.
I gleaned from my research that a kind of symbiotic connection exists between the narcissist and the codependent personality. Remember, both conditions are trauma driven. Both personalities are underdeveloped. However, together (the narcissist and the codependent) still somehow they feel “right” to each other. This makes the break-up extremely difficult for the codependent that is left in the wake of this paralyzing feeling of being alone. As the days progress in my journal I will give more insight on the connection between the narcissist and his “type” of partner.
In response, I learned to stay busy. I stay very busy. I work out in the morning. And in the evenings, I joined a boxing gym. Five night a week I train. I go to therapy twice a week. I keep a journal. I research. I go to church. I try and make plans with friends. This helped to defuse the initial separation as well as teaching me to defend myself.
Ok, back to day three and the lists; the first list was broken promises, today it is lies. My ex-boyfriend lied as a matter of course. This is why he was so difficult to catch. If I had to guess, he lied because in part it was thrilling just to get away with it. As a bonus, it was a way to deregulate my world. It seemed to me, looking back, he lied about EVERYTHING, big and small. Some of my favorites; he would lie about the ethnicity of people. He lied about calls from ALL his old girlfriends that all swept in on one given day. He lied about events related to his children, and his ex-wife. He lied about his whereabouts, even when I caught him red handed. He lied about relationships with other people and invitations to events. He lied about breaking plans, and lied about making them. In short, it seemed if his lips were moving…he was lying. It still helps to make the list, in part because when I was with him, it was really hard for me to tell if he was lying. It was with the list in hand, and the guidance of therapy I began to see the lies. It is ironic, everyone else could see the lies except for me.
Make your list of lies and again show it to someone. Abusers hate when they are exposed. This is your chance to expose your truth. If you’re not ready to share your list, at least write down a few people as possible confidants. Look for a qualified therapist. and or codependent groups in your area.