Ok, so I made my list of broken promises, and lies. (Keep the list open-ended, the farther away from him the more lies will surface.) The next list consisted of disparaging or mean spirited comment. It is more like pathological language, my narcissist was skilled at using language as a weapon. He veiled his words manifest guilt and shame. I bought into much of it, and as a result I felt confused, and deregulated. Confused and deregulated, I was easily manipulated. He would say, “I am saying these things, because I love you.” I held trust in his love for me. I respected him. So of course, I listened to his insights. It was only from this safe distance, in therapy, that I allowed myself to really hear him. These were some of his favorites… “You’re acting like a wounded animal”. “If you were really grateful for everything I have done for you, you would NEVER ask me for a thing”. “Why would I tell my old girlfriends about you?” “You are crazy, I can’t tell you the truth, you will go crazy”. “I can’t make plans with you because if things fall through you will go crazy…” You get the idea. Along with this list, I thought of his comments that made me feel bad about myself. For example, he would talk about my friends. He would say of them, “This one talks to you like you’re the help”. “That one is your friend because she feels sorry for you”. “That one and this one are your friend because you are their lackey.” I was not able to understand these were NOT the words of love. With the help of therapy, I realized when verbally abused, rather than defending myself, I would binge eat. Recognizing binge eating as a response to abuse gave me my first insight to stopping this really destructive behavior.
While this was not an easy list to make, it was by far one of the most powerful. Start your own, this list might take some time. Think about his-her language. Words have power. Did he compare you to animals or other women? Were his-her comments about your life, friends, family, job veiled criticism aimed to deregulate your life? Were his-her insights about your world unfavorable? Did you respond back argue or did you hurt yourself in some way? Check out Youtube narcissist survivor guy.