Day 8-More on Reward and Punishment

Day 8

I gathered up all the cards, and romantic sweet gifts.  I realized his gifts were everywhere. Every time he would go on any kind of a trip, he would bring me back a small gift.  Some examples of these gifts were tea from China, chocolate from Belgium, perfume from Milan, or a knickknack from most domestic travels.  In addition, everyday gifts for no apparent reason other than just to give.  It was a steady gift giving stream. HE ESTABLISHED the gift giving stream, much like the communication place-holding pattern, I mentioned on day 7. Both went on for about a year and half.  The abruptly stopped. When I tried to talk to him about the change in his pattern, he was quick to tell me I am crazy, demanding and making problems.  When I was acting “right” at least how he wanted me to act he would reestablish the pattern of both communicating regularly as well as the gift giving.  Inevitably, the patterns stopped and started. If I made mention of it, the answer was always the same; there is nothing wrong, and I am crazy. The most notable non-gift and non-card exchange was on our second anniversary.  By this time, I didn’t bother to say a word. While he was generous, looking back, a very calculating kind of generosity to be sure.

I boxed up everything. I was not able to throw it away. It was an emotional event.  I put the box in a corner in my basement.  (I recommend do not read any of the cards).  I saw the therapist. I spoke of my grief. She understood.  I started crying when I left the boxing gym this evening.  I started thinking about him. I understand I am just an interchangeable cog in his ever turning clockwork.  However, how could I possibly feel so deeply about someone when my therapist assured me he was someone who is incapable of feeling anything for me? Was this a deeper issue? Why does it feel so familiar? This has been a full week of morning and evening work outs.  I need to go to bed. I need a good night’s rest.  I know I will feel better in the morning.

Your assignment

Get a box and start collecting all romantic cards, and gifts.  As always, I recommend getting into a group, or therapy.  The therapist helped validate not just my feelings of grief and lost, but also helped by explaining the patterns and behaviors of the narcissist.  Continue watching videos.  I recommend Sam Vatkin, (Narcissistic and compulsive gift giving).  Vatkin an evolved, clinically diagnosed psychopathic narcissist is articulate, and insightful.  Keep consistent with sleep, working out, and eating patterns.  Be kind to your body, at the very minimum get your rest. Watch Richard Gronnan Spartan life coach video on emotional dis-regularity.

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