It is over. It has to be over. In the face of this most brutal truth, I still find myself looking at my phone and checking emails. I wonder, is he is going contact me. The thought of him still eats at me. I am not out of the woods. While I am reclaiming pieces of myself each day, I still feel lost. Separated from him, I feel a huge void. Why wasn’t I enough? I ask myself over and over. I don’t know how it is possible that I could have given my love to such an illusion? For decades, this mirage of a man, this fantasy has been measure by which I have evaluated all other men and relationships. I had this image in my head of our “perfect” love. It was SO WRONG! Today, I took all my lists from the past few days and pieced them together. On another paper, I wrote about my ideal mature adult love. These two list were entirely out of whack. What was I thinking?
This is a day to think about reality versus fantasy. If you are codependent, or have codependent traits, much of what drives your inability to let go of him/her is the pathological fear of aloneness (suggestions to combat this in upcoming posts). In addition to loneliness, you might be driven by fantasy. Review your list and charts. Compare the behavior, actions, and inactions of list and charts to your fantasy. Make a plan to get together with a good and trusted friend or relative. Keep it real. Think about the difference between fantasy and reality. Write about a “real” relationship. Make a plan to go to your local library. There are plenty of books written on codependency and narcissism. Educate yourself. Discover the difference between reality and fantasy relationships. You CAN BE your best advocate. Remember to fight loneliness, connections to other people. To fight fantasy thinking, keep yourself grounded in reality.