Ok, so one day I am the answer to all of his prayers. Then just like that…I am the scourge of his very existence. In the unyielding narcissist relationship drama, I was so confused. How could I have gone from hero to zero in what seemed liked moment? I kept asking myself how this could be true. The emotion rollercoaster caused so much internal and external devaluation that by the time I declared, “Enough!” I barely knew myself…
So if the narcissist needs is an addict and needs this narcissistic supply (NS) in a human form, then why upset the stable NS apple cart? The short answer is that the narcissist is an adrenalin junkie. We already established, narcissist are addicts and hunters. Adding a third component; narcissist are also adrenalin junkies. This is actually a good thing for many victims, as the narcissist get bored easily and moves on. In the meantime, sadly, narcissists cause tremendous pain for the people that try desperately to love them.
Given their nature, despite their long term commitment “love” lies, the narcissist knows from the inception of their budding love-relationship, they will not be a long term player. However, he-she will say whatever it takes to secure their victims; because he/she cannot stand to be alone. So long before the narcissist is ready to inevitably discard you, this is very soon after he has secured you, he send out what experts call a narcissistic signal. The signal is directed towards people he-she thinks will be high grade narcissistic supply. The invitation to play his-her game, disguised as an overture of profound romantic interest is direct and powerful. Once the signal is returned from a potential new source, the narcissist begins the arduous task of evaluating each source. The moment he finds a source he deems a higher quality that the one he is presently using, he begins the devaluation of the old source as well as the idealization of the new. This is a very efficient use of his/her limited personal energy.
Looking back now, I remember the moment I saw “her”, that there was something unsettling in the air, as they conducted their “business-like” affairs. Soon after I met her, he became more critical, mean-spirited and unreasonable towards me. It felt like I was dealing with someone shackled, depressed, and furious at my very existence. Oddly enough, when I tried to leave, he initially would beg me to stay. I think looking back it was because he had not fully secured this woman, and did not want to risk losing a perfectly usable source of supply for the unknown. As soon as he knew the source was secure, he became vicious. I think I ended it, not just because of the abuse, but because I knew, just like when we were kids…I had been replaced (story for another day).
Part of healing is discovering truth. You don’t need a private detective to reflect on the moment you went from hero to zero. Remember this is his-her lens…not yours. This is their pathological character, not yours. It is important to be real with your own assessment of yourself. Just as you are not “ideal,” you are equally not reflection of this “devalued” person. Ask yourself; how much of my self-esteem comes from other people’s evaluation of me? Embrace, rejoice and celebrate all your good things. Work to shore up things that you do not like about yourself. Knowing yourself is the first line of defense to protect yourself from narcissistic abuse.