Day 11-No Needs for You!
The narcissist is not interested in your needs unless they are aligned with his own because of his limited energy. The narcissist has limited energy, he uses all of it o hunt. He is hunter. He is always hunting for narcissistic supply (attention, adulation, applause). The narcissist is an addict. He is addicted to narcissistic supply. Narcissist love-hate their partner. like drug addicts love-hate their drug of choice. For the narcissist, attention, adulation applause is the drug of choice. This hate-love causes them a great deal of shame. In my research I discovered this shame becomes inflamed when narcissist are put open (even in the smallest way) by their significant other. This of course, also causes conflict. The narcissist feels his presence in the relationship is enough. He interprets your needs as an attack on him. Does he understand his own actions? I am not sure. What I do know for sure, is that while he was angry at me for having needs, he NEEDED A LOT FROM ME. He was addicted to me as a source of narcissistic supply. And as a “good” source, I remained accommodating, adoring. However, my needs, no matter how small were measured as all out attacks on the part of my narcissist. So in the face of me saying “ I would like to make plans for us to spend the weekend away together,” in addition to the trying to make me feel I am too crazy to make plans with, he would also say, “You are so ungrateful. I told you I don’t have time. Blah, blah, blah” What made this all the more confusing for me, is that my narcissist did many nice things for me. Of course, the nice things he did for me were in alignment with his own needs. ANYTHING I asked for outside of what he was willing to give, seemed to turn into an full scale attack on my life. I would then feel ashamed, frustrated, and quiet. This narcissistic tactic is about exerting control. If I ask for something, and the response is a full emotional arsenal attack, I am going to really think long and hard before I ask for anything. The question is why did I stay so long in place where my needs were not important and in fact raged against?
Were your needs and grievances met with hostile rhetoric? Looking back, can you list times that he tried to make you feel bad using the notion of “you are crazy?” Remember he is trying to suck you dry emotionally, and if you are causing them “trouble” you must presume that they are just keeping you around while they are looking for another emotional supply source. This is NOT an easy job. This is why you ARE NOT allowed to have any needs that are not in line with his. He cannot afford the energy drain!