My brain continues to try and make sense out of the postmortem relationship wreckage. Trying to make sense of it all has become consuming. Why did I believe his words when his actions did not match? Was I really as “crazy” as he made me feel? What did I really want that was so unreasonable? Could I have made it better by giving more? For the past year and a half, I have been in such a funk. I have been confused for so long…what really happened? I stayed far longer that should have stayed with him, in the face of blinding contradiction and mistreatment. I have plenty to think about in terms of my own behavior, still those first six months were so amazing! How could my perfect love story have turned so bad?
It was one of those moments of clarity when I heard Richard Gronan’s video on why we people obsess after being in an abusive relationship. It is import for each of us to understand why things go wrong so that we DO NOT make the same mistake again. After the initial “love-bombing” a relationship with a narcissist is a stream of contradictions, half-truths, and out and out lies. However arduous, this flow is broken by moments of “good-times.” It is difficult for the rational mind to accept that the person you love is using reward and punishment like a conditioning tool. Still the ebb and flow of narcissistic “love,” resembles reward and punishment to be sure. I am obsessing. While there may be deeper reasons as to why I continue to obsess, I think that there is truth in trying to understand what went wrong so I will never allow myself to be in this place again.
Understand and give yourself permission to obsess for some time during the day until you reach your 90 day goal. Do everything you can to understand your own behaviors, as well as those of the person that you allowed to take so much from you. Be mindful to give yourself both permission as well as limits to obsess. Remember, each moment you give to your narcissist is time lost to you…