Day 30 One Third of the Way to Sanity, Inside the Head of My Narcissist!

Day 30

It is easy to fantasize. It is easier to forget who, and what I am really dealing with as I free myself from the grip of malignant narcissism. The painful reasons, least of which is really the narcissist, unleashed terrible childhood issues. In therapy, I learned my narcissist acted like a conduit to my past.  He was like a human trigger, a gatekeepers of a suppressed, and pain riddled childhood trauma.  The irony is that with all of the pain he brought me, he also brought an opportunity to heal myself. If I can manage to understand, and reconcile the narcissist abuse that is so familiar to my child hood traumas, perhaps I will find my peace.  Crossing to the one third mark 30 days of NO CONTACT, I congratulate myself.  I also want to give myself a reminder of who I today.  I am evolving into a better version of myself with each passing moment I keep away from people who will NEVER love me. I am loveable. I deserve to share myself with a person capable of love.  As I reflect on my time with my narcissist, I know that underneath the mask, he is really a hate filled person.  Does this really mean spirited, sick thinking person deserve so much of me? My interpretation of his inner dialogue based on what he related to me over my torturous two years with him…

————————————————————————– His internal dialogue WARNING-this internal dialogue is for mature audiences and contains adult themes;

Mother Fuckers, ingrates, for all I have done for them they should all be kissing my ass. So what he mentored me all those years, I pulled my own weight and then some.  Fire me!? Why because I sided with a winner? Loyalty is for suckers. Let that low-lifer that used to work for me fill my shoes. That’s a laugh!  See how long he lasts.  I don’t need any of them anyways. When your king everyone kisses your ass.  Now fired, and starting over, all the coat tail riders especially that bitch, my soon to be ex-wife found their excuse to get out.  So be it! I am free! I am unshackled! I made it once in this business, I can make it again. I know finances.  I climbed the ranks of the banking industry from nothing, I can do it again.  Watch me! As for friends, hey I can buy my friends.  The ones I buy are better listeners anyways.  Who needs friends or a wife?  She was holding me down using our four fucking kids like anchors around my neck. I never wanted kids, I told that stupid cunt! But did she listen? NO! The baby factor was open over time.  Each fucking baby, felt like a nail in my coffin. I told her do as I ask, and NEVER criticize me. I told her if she loved me and appreciated everything I did for her she would never ask me for a fucking thing.  So what does she say…?” BUT I WANNA FAMILY, I WANNA SPEND TIME WITH YOU!  BOO WHOO!” After all our time together she still doesn’t get me.  However, she is amusing.  I love the way she molded herself into some kind of version of my mother.  All the plastic surgery, starving herself, and the working out.  What a hoot it has been watching her try so hard.  Hey, I deserve my guilty pleasure!  Tormenting the soon to be ex, is just one. I need my space. I need to connect with people, especially women.  Her job was to be there when and only when I NEED her.  This is usually when there is NO ONE else to stroke my ego.  Is that asking too much? So she was lonely.  Hey, she figured out how to take care of herself, fucking some other guy. That was ok by me…what do I care? I didn’t want to fuck her anyway.  I am just pissed she let me find out. Can’t she be more like me?  I execute discretion. It is not that hard! I guess it is ok because I did pay her back after all, quietly, and with such finesse…God I am good! I encourage her underage pot parties, and serving alcohol to minors.  I don’t give a shit. Unleash the chaos, I say.  It reflects my internal landscape. I act like the naive, hardworking, level headed, businessman of the year type victim, while she acts out my twisted fantasies. She has even gone to jail!  That was quite a feather in my cap.  Serves that whore right!  I am respected.  I have been making seven figures for the past two decades.  No one will ever believe I am a bad guy.  I take care of my family. They have the best of what my money can buy.  Shouldn’t that be enough? That uneducated piece of shit, I gave her an amazing life.  All I wanted was my freedom to come and go as I please. But no she wanted a “family, relationship, attention love”…fuck me! I tried, but in truth I just couldn’t stand her.

Hey, I tried. I shared my interests, I got her to start drinking. But she had to become an alcoholic.  I drink four, five, six, scotches, a bottle of good wine every day, and that’s when I am NOT really parting.  You don’t see me losing it.  My kids are so fucked up, but that just give me a chance to be a hero.  I can fix anything with money. That is the one thing I still have plenty of, and keeps all of them on a short leash.  I could find myself a younger women, but let’s face it I hate sex.  I have been taking that fucking Viagra forever! It is the only way I can get hard for these demanding bitches.  I hate myself for needing them, but I DO need them! So what to do?  I hate them, and need them, hate them and need them, so tiring.

So what is the next move? Ok, I know I will play the hopeless romantic, my childhood sweetheart! I wonder if she is over it, over me. Shared lost virginity, I will never forget the torment look on her face.  I invited her to a party. She thought we were going to be together.  I introduced her to my new girlfriend…priceless!  In truth, I can still see the hurt in my first girlfriend’s eyes.  The thought of hurting her, even after all this time still makes me feel alive.  I wonder…? Over the years I have tried finding her but she must be living under a rock.  I found her number about a year ago, when I finally moved out of the house.  Oh moving out what a piece of drama that was, God how I love the awkward space of revisiting the house for the kid’s birthdays, and holidays.  Just knowing I am fucking with the soon to be ex-wife’s plans, acting broken up, letting the kids comfort me…wow! I am getting hard just thinking about it.  Too bad I can’t put that shit in a bottle.

Back to the task at hand, so let’s see, I will just Google the old girl…the first cut is the deepest… and see what shakes out. An email address, that’s new…cool.  I will just send her a note and see what we shall see.  In the meantime, what about that ex little star-struck cock sucking assistant?  I think I will give her a call.  I love to hear that hope filled excitement every time I call.  I have called her, fucked her, and dumped her so many times, I just can’t believe she still falls for the same shit.  She deserves to be fucked and thrown away.  Hey, if she doesn’t care about herself, why should I?

Dear God what is wrong with me…? I can’t remember the last time I really felt anything other than guilt or shame I can’t take it! I need a drink. Hey all is fair in love and war.  The heart wants what the heart wants. I can’t take care of the world God Damn It!  Another drink… Every time I dial this little cock sucking assistant whore’s number, I hope to God she doesn’t pick up… yep, there she is answering the fucking call. So I say in my sexiest voice; “Hey it me, I have been thinking about you.  I miss you. I am coming over to your place now.  Ok see you then.” Stupid bitch…why doesn’t she ever say NO!!

Your Assignment

Congratulate yourself for 30 days of NO CONTACT! Create your narcissist’s inner dialogue.  Be honest. Let your version of his inner landscape remind you of what you are missing!

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Day 29 Everything you say WILL be used to hurt you!

Day 29

I wore a fragrance that was a signature scent for his sister.  As a result my narcissist volunteered to buy me a new perfume. Good to his word, he took me to the mall, and we began trying to find a fragrance that was not reminiscent of either of our past lives.  We arrived early, and over coffee talked about the fragrances we associated with both the good and bad parts of our lives.  I remember sharing with him in great detail, my mother’s love for Chanel fragrances. (In fact, the smell of Chanel #5, still sends a shiver down my spine.)  As a result, over the years, I stayed away from that line.  The mall opened and we began our search.  Happily, we agreed to a rose sent by Cartier.  

Sometime later he returned from a business trip, and thought to surprise me with a bottle of cologne… You guessed it, new, and straight from the Chanel counter!  In truth, I liked the scent, and thought very little of it, until after our break up, and a birthday gift from my son.  My son noticed the brand of cologne on my dresser, and as a surprise bought me Coco-Chanel for my birthday.  All of a sudden I was neck deep in Chanel!  It was in this sweet scent of lost Chanel induced memories that I made the connection.  My narcissist used the Chanel story, and fragrance to actually hurt me!  But it was not until after the break up, my son’s gift, and time in therapy that I could see the connection.  In a triumphant, and deliberate act of what I consider healthy reframing, I conscientiously made a choice.  I have embraced the fragrances as my own.  I now associate my son’s thoughtful resolve to both the Chanel fragrances.

Your Assignment

Do not be held hostage by, vulnerable to, or defined by past sensorial memories.  Rather define yourself by the choices you fearlessly make today.  It is in a vibration of today’s reality, we begin to rediscover, and love ourselves.  I have shared this blog not as a caveat never to share your inner truth, rather in hopes to help you shed light into those dark places.  As light illuminates the dark places we can see into them not as frightened children, but as grown adults safe from the tyranny of narcissistic parents as well as narcissistic relationships.  Think about all your senses, sight, touch, taste, smell, and sound.  Make a list of the sensorial stimulus that could trigger a bad reaction from deep inside ….songs, foods, perfumes etc…  Once you have identified those things, you have one of two options, reframe or discard.  Do not be caught off guard. You are in control. There is power in that!

Day 28 The Narcissistic Slot Machine; An All Too Familiar Game- Ignoring your life While Playing his Game… Begin Making the Connections!

Day 28

Home for me, was a place of random emotional wins and losses. I worked hard to be valued, included, and validated. Still somehow I knew the odds were always with the narcissistic house.  However, as young girl it was the only game I knew how to play.  At the cost of much of my childhood, I worked very hard to gain father’s attention, and attain my mother’s care.  Most of the time the house won. Still, anytime there was even the smallest parental love payoff…it was a huge win! My first love, worked the same way.  I gave him so much of my young soul, and spent the better part of my young life wondering why loving him came so easy for me, and was so very difficult for him.  As my journey continues, I am gaining clarity into my addiction to narcissistic abuse, realizing more and more that my I am drawn to the familiar.  My narcissist is the quintessential embodiment of both my parents.

Fast forward in my adult life, I took the desire for that one great payout out into the world.  I was like one of those transfixed gambling slot junkies.  I kept trying to get my love pay day out of one of those narcissistic bankrupted machines, never really understanding the odds were stacked against me. The return of my first boyfriend truly consumed with that kind of illusive “love payout.”  In the meanwhile, just like when I was a child, and later as a young teen at his mercy the first time around, I had forgotten my life.  I was lost. I ignored my friends. I lost interest in my church and work. I let things go in my personal life.  To say this out loud is my greatest shame, I ignored my son.  In part, the ignoring came as by the consuming task of pleasing my narcissist.  Even more insidious, when it came to my son, I think I gave way to my narcissist’s “parental” mantras.  The mantras, despite the dismal relationship he had with his children, were about giving far more freedom or cultivating “independence.”  I allowed, my narcissist to infuse his influence into what was a stable relationship with my boy.  As a result (I hold myself completely responsible) my son got into trouble.  This holding myself accountable does not in any way negate that my son made some bad choices.  Simply, I am angry, and disappointed in myself, because my son made those choices while I was not looking.  I am both grateful and lucky, nothing really bad happened to him as a result.  

Your Assignment

Really examine your life out of the narcissistic fog.  Are you playing a familiar parental pay off love game?  What are the areas of your life that have suffered as a result of trying to get your pay-day?  While there will be a time to be angry at yourself, today just give yourself a pass.  Try to honestly list the areas of your life that are not what they should be as a result of time given to chasing narcissistic pay offs… Make a plan to move towards fixing one, or all areas that have suffered.   It is ok to take small steps.

Day 27 Your Narcissist Longs for, and Delights in Your Destruction!

Day 27 (posted out of order)

Understanding my narcissist longs for, and delights in my destruction continues to be a big hard pill to swallow.  Sill the evidence is clear.  He enjoyed frustrating me by creating expectations and crushing them regularly.  He used my disappointment of these unmet expectations (he created) as just cause to punish me. He punished me, by withholding time, sex, and affection.  He railed against any attempt I made to talk about my feelings.  He shamed me for having feelings or ideas that were not in line with his own.  He enjoyed making me jealous.  As a result, pursued other women while accusing me of operating with profound and unwarranted insecurity.  One of the harshest realities of the post mortem relationship analysis is accepting my narcissist wanted, and continues to want, to destroy me! This is not a normal breakup! Even with the help of a good therapist, and understanding the underlying pathology of narcissism, the reality is unthinkable.  In some ways accepting the truth, means I have to accept that I was abused.  Then what? All the failsafe fantasy I have used to guard against abusive parents, and failed romantic relationships must be reconciled! It is an ugly thing!  However ugly, living in the vibration of a more centered reality, albeit difficult, resonates far more normal, and hopeful than anything I have ever known. The good news, I know hard to imagine there is good news…is this; I know it is NOT really personal.  What I mean is the narcissist, like the shark does not make a “real” conscience or emotional judgment on the entity he is about to devour.  He just does what he does, over and over again until exhausted, temporarily satiated, or  he eventually just dies…

Your Assignment

Think about and write out the worst fear regarding your narcissist.  Imagine you reconcile and while you are on a date with this person they invite introduce you to his/her fiancé.  Imagine; he/she shows up at a work event, or a special event for one of your children, when not invited. He/she reaches out on a holiday or birthday just to hear the hurt in your voice, or better yet see the hurt on your face.  You are pining for a person that wants to hurt you!  Imagine in anyone of these cases the ability (superpower) that you have deep inside, that will allow you to simply ignore him/her.  Finally, whenever you begin thinking about your narcissist, I want you to imagine this scenario.  You are at your local bank, when all of a sudden a group of marauding, well-armed bank robbers take over.  They order out for everyone to get on the floor.  For whatever random reason, you find yourself at the wrong end of an armed weapon in the hands of someone who has NO empathy for you.  Suddenly, someone makes a noise, or fusses enough to takes the attention away from you.  Do you feel bad about no longer being the center of that kind of attention?  If you are relieved, you are normal.  Allow yourself to feel the same kind of relief at this moment, because you are safe!

Day 26 Narcissist’s “Do-Gooding “and Narcissistic Rage!

Day 26

My narcissist did a lot of nice things for me.  However, my narcissist’s currency of “do-gooding” was NOT for my sake, or to do good!  It was a set-up. My narcissist, like all of them, was (is) a sadistic game player.  So all the do-gooding, was actually a way to not EVER do what I wanted or needed. For example one of our biggest issues was making plans.  He was the quintessential planner, except when it came to me.  He had to actually deny his nature to screw with me! Knowing I wanted to spend time with him, and needed advance notice because of my son, became the RUB!  No plans for you…! That was the mantra of the narcissist who so “loved” me! My narcissist knew what I wanted, and delighted in frustrating me by withholding it, no matter what IT was.  As for the plan thing…He was so evil, that he would make these elaborate plans, book tickets, and rooms and then at the last minute rescind the offer. If I tried to revisit the plans he offered, would say things like “I DON’T OWE YOU A VACATION!!!”  Every time I would even mention the idea of plans he would erupt. He loved to say; “I do so many nice things for you…if you were TRULY grateful you would NEVER ask me for anything!”  Then came the list of each and every nice thing he had ever done for me.  This style of “do-gooding,” allowed him to play the victim role when I asked for ANYTHING beyond what he deemed ok to give, even though what I really wanted and never got was time with him.  As a bonus, projecting the “demanding crazy ingrate” role unto me, allowed him to take on the role of injured “do-gooder”!  Giving him the justification to lash out in rage filled episodes that were so vile, that it would make me really question myself.  This was my narcissist’s default setting; he would “do good”, ignoring what I wanted, and if I tried to express the slightest need or preference I was immediately cast in the role of demanding, crazy ingrate.  This gave him two kinds of satisfaction; the first denying my need and gaining pleasure in watching me become frustrated.  The second, making me doubt myself by unleashing such rage that I couldn’t help but t think I had done something wrong!

Your Assignment

Think about all the nice things you Ex-narcissist did for you, I am sure some were very nice.  Now ask yourself were those nice things constantly thrown in your face.  Were the unsolicited niceties used to hurt you if you dared ask for anything beyond what your narcissist was willing to do?  I have discovered that when people love each other their needs and preferences are important to the other person.  To be in a place where you are shamed for wanting whatever it is you need, is a very miserable place.  Try to remember this misery when you begin to miss the fantasy of your narcissistic relationship.

Day 25 Buying into Crazy!

Day 25

I allowed myself to buy into his rhetoric.  As a result of the purchase, I absorbed much of the blame for the failure of the relationship because I had preferences, desires, and needs.  I gave my narcissist the opportunity to use the disappointment he sadistically caused, to hurt me.  One of many examples stands out, for example  we were going to a local wine tasting.  He was in a dark mood that night,  I happened to look nice that evening, and I think that in part, that annoyed him.  While driving to the event, he asked if I ever heard from my old boyfriends.  I responded with “Not really, besides everyone knows I am with you…” Not even thinking that his answer could be any different than mine, I asked him the same question. He answered; “Yes, in fact I heard from ALL of them today.” While I thought it odd that all these women would call him on this one particular day, I was not in the mind set to question his honesty.  I playfully said, “Well how did they ALL of them respond when you told them about me?” He laughed and answered “Why would I tell them about you?” I guess my eyes immediately welled and he began screaming…”I knew I shouldn’t have told you, now you are going to ruin our night acting like a wounded animal!” Ok so why didn’t I just drop and roll out of the car?  Because, all of this he followed with “I love you. You are my gal. Let me handle my business my own way.  Let’s go have a nice time.”  I thought the evening went as well as it could have given the start of the night. The minute we got back into the car he began this assault on my behavior during the event.  It was like being with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The next morning he came to me house with gifts.  It was an apology with a twist! He began by trying to tell me it is my jealousy that is the problem.  That I needed to be more secure.  The idea that he started the discord with the declaration of ALL his Ex’s calling, and not telling any them about me was nothing.  At the time, I remember thinking to myself….he is right I should be more secure.  It was only from a safe distance and with the help of therapy that I began to understand the craziness I had bought.

You assignment

I am sure if you think back, there were crazy moments that you just caved into his logic.  Take one event, and work through the crazy… In my case, how likely was it that every women my narcissist once dated called him on this one particular day?   Why did I allow him to manipulate my reaction to the event?  Why did I take the blame for ruining the night?  Why was I not able to say to myself at that moment…this man is trying to hurt me and just leave?  Once you have thought out your event, try and ask yourself the same kinds of question. Creating self-doubt is one of the ways narcissists position themselves to control and hurt you.

Day 24- Accepting Your Narcissist is Mentally Ill and Trying to Take You Along for the Ride!

Day 24

I struggle to accept that my childhood sweetheart, the love of my life, was and is mentally ill.  It pains me not just because of the sadness I feel for him, but what does my desire to be close to him reveal about me? The drama, the consternation, the other women…how could this be my default setting? The shaming I would endure for the simplest request, the explosive temperament when not met with complete agreement, the reframing of my every thought, the degrading of my friends; How could this this feel like home?  As the fog begins to lift, and I find myself in the stark aftermath of my own reality, I grieve the loss of so much lost time.  I wonder will I ever feel good living in a drama free, normal life.  So much of my identity has been the girl forever leaving abusive relationships…looking for the “right-guy.”  While I know with my adult intellect the end will always be the same hurt filled, abusive, and abandoning scenario with my narcissist, emotionally I can’t help but to hold some adolescent hope, and it was that very immature hope that drove the healthy adult in me to therapy.  It is here in the office of a stranger, I have begun to uncover my truth. This truth is bitter!  It is a very difficult task; accepting my narcissist is mentally ill.  However, with the help of a good therapist, I have begun to see that narcissist are mentally ill.  As I begin to really understand who I have aligned myself with, and how any contact with him will only result in more crazy, the commitment to separation from him, albeit painful becomes unwavering!

 

Your Assignment

It is very difficult to think of the person you once loved as mentally ill.  Not all relationships end because of mental illness.  However, if you have been in a relationship with a sadistic, predatorily, narcissistic supply seeking, adrenalin laden narcissist; then you have been with a mentally ill person.  Think of the peculiar, odd, exchanges with your narcissist.   As you list the incidents, ask yourself are theses the behaviors of a person that is mentally sound.  Compare these behaviors to a person that you know and admire.  Would this person you know and admire act in kind with the behaviors you have just listed.