I allowed myself to buy into his rhetoric. As a result of the purchase, I absorbed much of the blame for the failure of the relationship because I had preferences, desires, and needs. I gave my narcissist the opportunity to use the disappointment he sadistically caused, to hurt me. One of many examples stands out, for example we were going to a local wine tasting. He was in a dark mood that night, I happened to look nice that evening, and I think that in part, that annoyed him. While driving to the event, he asked if I ever heard from my old boyfriends. I responded with “Not really, besides everyone knows I am with you…” Not even thinking that his answer could be any different than mine, I asked him the same question. He answered; “Yes, in fact I heard from ALL of them today.” While I thought it odd that all these women would call him on this one particular day, I was not in the mind set to question his honesty. I playfully said, “Well how did they ALL of them respond when you told them about me?” He laughed and answered “Why would I tell them about you?” I guess my eyes immediately welled and he began screaming…”I knew I shouldn’t have told you, now you are going to ruin our night acting like a wounded animal!” Ok so why didn’t I just drop and roll out of the car? Because, all of this he followed with “I love you. You are my gal. Let me handle my business my own way. Let’s go have a nice time.” I thought the evening went as well as it could have given the start of the night. The minute we got back into the car he began this assault on my behavior during the event. It was like being with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The next morning he came to me house with gifts. It was an apology with a twist! He began by trying to tell me it is my jealousy that is the problem. That I needed to be more secure. The idea that he started the discord with the declaration of ALL his Ex’s calling, and not telling any them about me was nothing. At the time, I remember thinking to myself….he is right I should be more secure. It was only from a safe distance and with the help of therapy that I began to understand the craziness I had bought.
I am sure if you think back, there were crazy moments that you just caved into his logic. Take one event, and work through the crazy… In my case, how likely was it that every women my narcissist once dated called him on this one particular day? Why did I allow him to manipulate my reaction to the event? Why did I take the blame for ruining the night? Why was I not able to say to myself at that moment…this man is trying to hurt me and just leave? Once you have thought out your event, try and ask yourself the same kinds of question. Creating self-doubt is one of the ways narcissists position themselves to control and hurt you.