My narcissist did a lot of nice things for me. However, my narcissist’s currency of “do-gooding” was NOT for my sake, or to do good! It was a set-up. My narcissist, like all of them, was (is) a sadistic game player. So all the do-gooding, was actually a way to not EVER do what I wanted or needed. For example one of our biggest issues was making plans. He was the quintessential planner, except when it came to me. He had to actually deny his nature to screw with me! Knowing I wanted to spend time with him, and needed advance notice because of my son, became the RUB! No plans for you…! That was the mantra of the narcissist who so “loved” me! My narcissist knew what I wanted, and delighted in frustrating me by withholding it, no matter what IT was. As for the plan thing…He was so evil, that he would make these elaborate plans, book tickets, and rooms and then at the last minute rescind the offer. If I tried to revisit the plans he offered, would say things like “I DON’T OWE YOU A VACATION!!!” Every time I would even mention the idea of plans he would erupt. He loved to say; “I do so many nice things for you…if you were TRULY grateful you would NEVER ask me for anything!” Then came the list of each and every nice thing he had ever done for me. This style of “do-gooding,” allowed him to play the victim role when I asked for ANYTHING beyond what he deemed ok to give, even though what I really wanted and never got was time with him. As a bonus, projecting the “demanding crazy ingrate” role unto me, allowed him to take on the role of injured “do-gooder”! Giving him the justification to lash out in rage filled episodes that were so vile, that it would make me really question myself. This was my narcissist’s default setting; he would “do good”, ignoring what I wanted, and if I tried to express the slightest need or preference I was immediately cast in the role of demanding, crazy ingrate. This gave him two kinds of satisfaction; the first denying my need and gaining pleasure in watching me become frustrated. The second, making me doubt myself by unleashing such rage that I couldn’t help but t think I had done something wrong!
Think about all the nice things you Ex-narcissist did for you, I am sure some were very nice. Now ask yourself were those nice things constantly thrown in your face. Were the unsolicited niceties used to hurt you if you dared ask for anything beyond what your narcissist was willing to do? I have discovered that when people love each other their needs and preferences are important to the other person. To be in a place where you are shamed for wanting whatever it is you need, is a very miserable place. Try to remember this misery when you begin to miss the fantasy of your narcissistic relationship.