Day 27 (posted out of order)
Understanding my narcissist longs for, and delights in my destruction continues to be a big hard pill to swallow. Sill the evidence is clear. He enjoyed frustrating me by creating expectations and crushing them regularly. He used my disappointment of these unmet expectations (he created) as just cause to punish me. He punished me, by withholding time, sex, and affection. He railed against any attempt I made to talk about my feelings. He shamed me for having feelings or ideas that were not in line with his own. He enjoyed making me jealous. As a result, pursued other women while accusing me of operating with profound and unwarranted insecurity. One of the harshest realities of the post mortem relationship analysis is accepting my narcissist wanted, and continues to want, to destroy me! This is not a normal breakup! Even with the help of a good therapist, and understanding the underlying pathology of narcissism, the reality is unthinkable. In some ways accepting the truth, means I have to accept that I was abused. Then what? All the failsafe fantasy I have used to guard against abusive parents, and failed romantic relationships must be reconciled! It is an ugly thing! However ugly, living in the vibration of a more centered reality, albeit difficult, resonates far more normal, and hopeful than anything I have ever known. The good news, I know hard to imagine there is good news…is this; I know it is NOT really personal. What I mean is the narcissist, like the shark does not make a “real” conscience or emotional judgment on the entity he is about to devour. He just does what he does, over and over again until exhausted, temporarily satiated, or he eventually just dies…
Think about and write out the worst fear regarding your narcissist. Imagine you reconcile and while you are on a date with this person they invite introduce you to his/her fiancé. Imagine; he/she shows up at a work event, or a special event for one of your children, when not invited. He/she reaches out on a holiday or birthday just to hear the hurt in your voice, or better yet see the hurt on your face. You are pining for a person that wants to hurt you! Imagine in anyone of these cases the ability (superpower) that you have deep inside, that will allow you to simply ignore him/her. Finally, whenever you begin thinking about your narcissist, I want you to imagine this scenario. You are at your local bank, when all of a sudden a group of marauding, well-armed bank robbers take over. They order out for everyone to get on the floor. For whatever random reason, you find yourself at the wrong end of an armed weapon in the hands of someone who has NO empathy for you. Suddenly, someone makes a noise, or fusses enough to takes the attention away from you. Do you feel bad about no longer being the center of that kind of attention? If you are relieved, you are normal. Allow yourself to feel the same kind of relief at this moment, because you are safe!