Day 30 One Third of the Way to Sanity, Inside the Head of My Narcissist!

Day 30

It is easy to fantasize. It is easier to forget who, and what I am really dealing with as I free myself from the grip of malignant narcissism. The painful reasons, least of which is really the narcissist, unleashed terrible childhood issues. In therapy, I learned my narcissist acted like a conduit to my past.  He was like a human trigger, a gatekeepers of a suppressed, and pain riddled childhood trauma.  The irony is that with all of the pain he brought me, he also brought an opportunity to heal myself. If I can manage to understand, and reconcile the narcissist abuse that is so familiar to my child hood traumas, perhaps I will find my peace.  Crossing to the one third mark 30 days of NO CONTACT, I congratulate myself.  I also want to give myself a reminder of who I today.  I am evolving into a better version of myself with each passing moment I keep away from people who will NEVER love me. I am loveable. I deserve to share myself with a person capable of love.  As I reflect on my time with my narcissist, I know that underneath the mask, he is really a hate filled person.  Does this really mean spirited, sick thinking person deserve so much of me? My interpretation of his inner dialogue based on what he related to me over my torturous two years with him…

————————————————————————– His internal dialogue WARNING-this internal dialogue is for mature audiences and contains adult themes;

Mother Fuckers, ingrates, for all I have done for them they should all be kissing my ass. So what he mentored me all those years, I pulled my own weight and then some.  Fire me!? Why because I sided with a winner? Loyalty is for suckers. Let that low-lifer that used to work for me fill my shoes. That’s a laugh!  See how long he lasts.  I don’t need any of them anyways. When your king everyone kisses your ass.  Now fired, and starting over, all the coat tail riders especially that bitch, my soon to be ex-wife found their excuse to get out.  So be it! I am free! I am unshackled! I made it once in this business, I can make it again. I know finances.  I climbed the ranks of the banking industry from nothing, I can do it again.  Watch me! As for friends, hey I can buy my friends.  The ones I buy are better listeners anyways.  Who needs friends or a wife?  She was holding me down using our four fucking kids like anchors around my neck. I never wanted kids, I told that stupid cunt! But did she listen? NO! The baby factor was open over time.  Each fucking baby, felt like a nail in my coffin. I told her do as I ask, and NEVER criticize me. I told her if she loved me and appreciated everything I did for her she would never ask me for a fucking thing.  So what does she say…?” BUT I WANNA FAMILY, I WANNA SPEND TIME WITH YOU!  BOO WHOO!” After all our time together she still doesn’t get me.  However, she is amusing.  I love the way she molded herself into some kind of version of my mother.  All the plastic surgery, starving herself, and the working out.  What a hoot it has been watching her try so hard.  Hey, I deserve my guilty pleasure!  Tormenting the soon to be ex, is just one. I need my space. I need to connect with people, especially women.  Her job was to be there when and only when I NEED her.  This is usually when there is NO ONE else to stroke my ego.  Is that asking too much? So she was lonely.  Hey, she figured out how to take care of herself, fucking some other guy. That was ok by me…what do I care? I didn’t want to fuck her anyway.  I am just pissed she let me find out. Can’t she be more like me?  I execute discretion. It is not that hard! I guess it is ok because I did pay her back after all, quietly, and with such finesse…God I am good! I encourage her underage pot parties, and serving alcohol to minors.  I don’t give a shit. Unleash the chaos, I say.  It reflects my internal landscape. I act like the naive, hardworking, level headed, businessman of the year type victim, while she acts out my twisted fantasies. She has even gone to jail!  That was quite a feather in my cap.  Serves that whore right!  I am respected.  I have been making seven figures for the past two decades.  No one will ever believe I am a bad guy.  I take care of my family. They have the best of what my money can buy.  Shouldn’t that be enough? That uneducated piece of shit, I gave her an amazing life.  All I wanted was my freedom to come and go as I please. But no she wanted a “family, relationship, attention love”…fuck me! I tried, but in truth I just couldn’t stand her.

Hey, I tried. I shared my interests, I got her to start drinking. But she had to become an alcoholic.  I drink four, five, six, scotches, a bottle of good wine every day, and that’s when I am NOT really parting.  You don’t see me losing it.  My kids are so fucked up, but that just give me a chance to be a hero.  I can fix anything with money. That is the one thing I still have plenty of, and keeps all of them on a short leash.  I could find myself a younger women, but let’s face it I hate sex.  I have been taking that fucking Viagra forever! It is the only way I can get hard for these demanding bitches.  I hate myself for needing them, but I DO need them! So what to do?  I hate them, and need them, hate them and need them, so tiring.

So what is the next move? Ok, I know I will play the hopeless romantic, my childhood sweetheart! I wonder if she is over it, over me. Shared lost virginity, I will never forget the torment look on her face.  I invited her to a party. She thought we were going to be together.  I introduced her to my new girlfriend…priceless!  In truth, I can still see the hurt in my first girlfriend’s eyes.  The thought of hurting her, even after all this time still makes me feel alive.  I wonder…? Over the years I have tried finding her but she must be living under a rock.  I found her number about a year ago, when I finally moved out of the house.  Oh moving out what a piece of drama that was, God how I love the awkward space of revisiting the house for the kid’s birthdays, and holidays.  Just knowing I am fucking with the soon to be ex-wife’s plans, acting broken up, letting the kids comfort me…wow! I am getting hard just thinking about it.  Too bad I can’t put that shit in a bottle.

Back to the task at hand, so let’s see, I will just Google the old girl…the first cut is the deepest… and see what shakes out. An email address, that’s new…cool.  I will just send her a note and see what we shall see.  In the meantime, what about that ex little star-struck cock sucking assistant?  I think I will give her a call.  I love to hear that hope filled excitement every time I call.  I have called her, fucked her, and dumped her so many times, I just can’t believe she still falls for the same shit.  She deserves to be fucked and thrown away.  Hey, if she doesn’t care about herself, why should I?

Dear God what is wrong with me…? I can’t remember the last time I really felt anything other than guilt or shame I can’t take it! I need a drink. Hey all is fair in love and war.  The heart wants what the heart wants. I can’t take care of the world God Damn It!  Another drink… Every time I dial this little cock sucking assistant whore’s number, I hope to God she doesn’t pick up… yep, there she is answering the fucking call. So I say in my sexiest voice; “Hey it me, I have been thinking about you.  I miss you. I am coming over to your place now.  Ok see you then.” Stupid bitch…why doesn’t she ever say NO!!

Your Assignment

Congratulate yourself for 30 days of NO CONTACT! Create your narcissist’s inner dialogue.  Be honest. Let your version of his inner landscape remind you of what you are missing!

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