It feels like the entirety of my life has been a quest to find love. It has become my identity, my quest. I have idealized the connection into an almost Cinderella like extension of myself. My narcissist understood my vulnerability. He depended on it! He fostered it! He used it to crush me, and drew sadistic satisfaction from it! These rescue images, grounded in some savior fantasy, albeit compelling, is just not reality. I think because of the chaos of my youth, I imagined this person who would come along as save me from the isolation, and suffering. It was clear that no one including my mother, father, aunts, uncles or love interest were going to be the ones to do it! It was this final most heart wrenching go around when my childhood narcissist returned, which played out in front of my son that finally woke me from the co-dependent quagmire. Like it or not, I am resonating in reality. My reality, is a place where self –love, self-awareness, and self-driven understanding will be my only true salvation. This is an unsettling new place, however, this is my new operating platform. I feel very young and awkward in this space. Sometimes I feel frightened, overwhelmed, sad but hopeful that I can turn the corner into “more normal-vile.” I have lost so many years, waiting. I have spent the entirety of my life glorifying people who don’t care for me. I chased people who could not love me. I ignored and dismissed people who present with stability. I saw them as boring and lackluster. After all in the quiet hum of normal, what would I do? Part of learning to love and care for myself is the acceptance of REALITY. Reality, is that quiet hum of two people simply sharing time together. That is the magic!
Examine your personality. Are you the person in a never ending quest for perfect love? Do you tire or grow restless in the quiet hum of normal? If your answer is yes, then the good news is that you recognize something deeply wrong within yourself and it is here at emotional ground zero you can make changes. Embracing normal is not easy for those of raised in crazy…but I believe desire is the first step in getting to normal!