Day 34 Who am I? More Importantly Who Will I Be When I, as the Eternal Reflection Pool Finally Runs Dry?

Day 34

It is important to understand my enemy, both the external as well as the internal ones. There is time to learn, study and reflect on the narcissist.  I feel like I have spent the entirety of my adult life in the pursuit. Unfortunately for me, I think the better part of that pursuit was to endear myself the narcissists in my life, NOT to separate from them. Ironically, it would seem despite their unyielding rejections, I am just hell bent on trying to love the people that refuse to love me back!   So putting the narcissist on to the side for a moment, who am I? Until now I have been a kind of human reflection pool for all the narcissists in my life.  I was born into this kind of servitude, and learned to oblige my masters well. I have to remember, Narcissus fell in love with his reflection, losing his will to live because he was not able to release his gaze. I have been conditioned to be that reflection, forced to serve with that same uncompromising zeal.  From a little girl, telling both my parents what they wanted to hear, to my first intimate relationship, I have learned to be the reflection of the people closest to me. The sad truth is as I reflected back to them, I absorbed part of the image.  Sadly,  I allowed my identity to be influenced by the sickest, manipulating, and most demanding people in my circle.  This is the hardest part of dependency, separating myself from the punitive, rejecting, and abandoning forces that continue to draw me close.  I am somehow attracted to all my narcissists because this relationship model is the only one I recognize as normal, and this is the biggest of all lies!  It is here, at ground zero steeped in the emotional excrement of another failed attempt to love my childhood narcissism revisited, I begin to discover myself for the first time.  There are both pluses and minuses that define my personality.  Getting to know me is like getting to know anyone…a process.

Your Assignment

As a result of this new insight into myself, I found myself in this kind of emotional blank slate…  As I move out of the pathological narcissistic space, I choose to reflect on myself.  As this is a process, we share this assignment.  Evaluate your life, embracing all the good things that make you the person you are today.  If there are attributes or aspects of your life that call for change, make a plan to start making changes.  Think of your ideal self and take small steps each day to get yourself into the place that feels best for YOU!!

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