These are just my thoughts based on my own personal research and therapy, they are Not clinically tested or approved… All the literature explains, Mr. Narcissist is the aftermath of a childhood trauma. He is a confabulation called forth to protect himself as an infant. Arrested emotional development saved by some mutated version of a person. If this is true, then perhaps the answerer to the question of hurtful intent is both yes and no. The false sadistic self, is happy to frustrate, punish, withhold and humiliate. Perhaps what remains of the true self tucked away in some remote part of the narcissist internal landscape remains horrified? So what does it matter? The intent of your abuser does not make the abuse any less. There may come a time to pity the narcissist. That day is not today! I guess I say these things to myself to remind me that as silly as this is going to sounds. I cannot take my relationship with my narcissist personally. Why? Because he is NOT a fully developed person! In the end, what I have to remember… is that the narcissist acts in ways that are DANGEROUS to my wellbeing. NOTHING I could have done as an adult, trying to interact with this false self would have made a difference. Because, he is NOT REAL!
Think about people you do not have to take personally. The checkout girl or boy at the local grocery. The phone solicitor, the door to door salespeople, the passerbyer that gives a wave or a nod while walking on a trail or stopped at a light. While not an easy task, try and give the false narcissistic self this kind of weight. The person you think you have been with emotionally checked out and atrophied long ago!
Some things you just can’t say enough. It has been 37 days of no-contact. It is beyond my scope of reason why my childhood narcissist “take 2”, still rents far too much of my cerebral space. Why is letting go so agonizing? I know the reality of life with my ex cerebral, alcoholic, albeit successful narcissist, was overall punitive, lonely, and frustrating. I know all the nice things he did for me, were a kind of window dressing. He used these “niceties”, as a smoke screen, secretly hunting other woman, while playing the role of the misunderstood victim. I know the relationships he cultivated with others were shallow and short lived. The relationships that lasted were fraught with consternation, and dissatisfaction. I saw his children react to him with a mix of fear, disrespect, confusion, and contempt. I witnessed his insane vicious attacks on people that work for him. I know the satisfaction he derived by raging on those in lesser positions. I saw his misery. I understood his self-loathing, I felt his hatred. I have seen his haughty resolve. If I were to make a list of all the characteristics I DO NOT want as a partner, he would be that guy! And still, I obsess. There comes a point where all the understanding in the world means nothing without a strong commitment to stop obsessing! It is time to move him out of the spotlight of my own mental center stage and begin anew. Today, I re-commit to no-contact and limit my obsessing on what might have been.
Thank yourself for the time and distance you have maintained from your narcissist. Forgive yourself for the time you have spent obsessing about him. Limit your obsessive thinking about what might have been. Spend the majority of time (at least today) thinking about “what is” not “what was”! Find joy in the moment. Count your blessings. Stop giving him so much of your precious life!