These are just my thoughts based on my own personal research and therapy, they are Not clinically tested or approved… All the literature explains, Mr. Narcissist is the aftermath of a childhood trauma. He is a confabulation called forth to protect himself as an infant. Arrested emotional development saved by some mutated version of a person. If this is true, then perhaps the answerer to the question of hurtful intent is both yes and no. The false sadistic self, is happy to frustrate, punish, withhold and humiliate. Perhaps what remains of the true self tucked away in some remote part of the narcissist internal landscape remains horrified? So what does it matter? The intent of your abuser does not make the abuse any less. There may come a time to pity the narcissist. That day is not today! I guess I say these things to myself to remind me that as silly as this is going to sounds. I cannot take my relationship with my narcissist personally. Why? Because he is NOT a fully developed person! In the end, what I have to remember… is that the narcissist acts in ways that are DANGEROUS to my wellbeing. NOTHING I could have done as an adult, trying to interact with this false self would have made a difference. Because, he is NOT REAL!
Think about people you do not have to take personally. The checkout girl or boy at the local grocery. The phone solicitor, the door to door salespeople, the passerbyer that gives a wave or a nod while walking on a trail or stopped at a light. While not an easy task, try and give the false narcissistic self this kind of weight. The person you think you have been with emotionally checked out and atrophied long ago!