Despite his success, I know my ex was mired in this pattern. One minute, he was happy walking on air, then the next moment lost in a cascade of anger, frustration and self-loathing. Why is his internal cycle of self-idealization and self-devaluation important to me? Because the Narcissist projects his feeling unto his nearest and dearest in an attempt to rid himself of these internal conflicts. I have learned from my research, Narcissist live in this kind of conundrum. It goes something like this; consciously he thinks of himself a renaissance man. He is hard working, good natured, driven to success. He is steeped in, and motivated to securing “the good life”. However, (here is the rub) these attributes or characteristics are driven by his FALSE self, a narrative, a fantasy. By design flaw, the false self is not reality based. As a result, the false self CANNOT interpret reality consistently or wisely. In contrast, (here is where it gets really murky) UNCONSCIOUSLY his internal landscape is rage filled, fear laden and barren. The narcissist’s true self cannot reconcile these two very divergent parts of himself. Why? Two reasons, the first reason is that the true self is lost, underdeveloped, thwarted by the false self and as a result has no real ability to self-reflect. The second, more important reason is that the anxiety of merging the conscious and the unconscious threaten the Narcissist with unbearable anxiety. In short, his internal script is pathologically fueled with a deep irrational fears of abandonment and annihilation. This split between his conscious and unconscious gives rise to rise rage. However, reconciling his conscious and unconscious threatens with destructive levels of anxiety. As a result of this internal split, the narcissist manifests a self-inflicted patterns of self-idealization and devaluation projected unto his nearest and dearest.
Day 39 Your Assignment
Think about the pattern of idealization and devaluation as projected unto you in your relationship. Try to remember if you can identify the self-inflicted pattern. Ask yourself this…were the criticisms of you really a reflection of you or of him? Were you acting crazy, insecure, jealous…. or were these a reflection a clue if you will as to what was really going on inside the head of your narcissist?