In the understanding of Narcissism there are several labels such as, codependent, cluster B personality disorders, codependency, abuse, projection, ego, and so many more words and phrases… and throughout my research these labels helped me to make sense and organize my world post narcissist break-up. You may not understand or have seen all these terms however if you further research this topic you will across them time and again. For me there was (and still is) a comfort that comes from learning about such terms that do not apply in the world of “Get over it, he is just another guy! Or, what is wrong with you? This is just a bad break-up.” All families are not created equal! If you come from a place, like I did filled with uncertainty and hostile resolve, then falling in love with a narcissist is like going home. However, understood or not, for those outside of the narcissistic zone, breaking up with a narcissist is several times more difficult than just ending a “normal relationship.” First, there is a merging phenomenon, a kind of infection rooting itself deep into the psychological flesh of forgotten and unnoticeable childhood wounds. This merging, coupled with a conditioning that begins on the onset of such unions is familiar ground for those of us mired in an abusive perceptive of the world. The subtle and not so subtle abuse that is SURE to follow once hooked and floundering inside the deceitful ever changing and unmerciful heavy handed clutches of a narcissist…is known to those of raised in it. Trying to collect on this false and empty promise of unconditional love from these people is depleting, damaging, and thankless. However, unattainable we are somehow unconsciously aware of this drive that pushes us towards the narcissist. The voices inside our heads chant; if this narcissist (the iconic representation of mother or father or combination of both) can love me, then I can find peace in the world. The entire relationship is a mix of frustration, self- doubt, self-loathing and punitive resolve that is so familiar you have to live it to know it! So now what? What promise is kept safe in the wake of abuse? The answer…NONE! Life is not fair, but what YOU can level the playing field. It is difficult to imagine, but each of us has the power to protect and hold ourselves dear.
Day 46 Your Assignment
Think about: Why is your relationship so hard to get over? What are the promises held inside of this hollow trust? Whose love are you trying so desperately to earn?
As I have said before, this is my own internal dialogue. My observations and insights are a combination of therapy, research. In a weird way my journal is a dialogue outside my own head.