I have spent an enormous amount of time attempting to understand my past relationships. As it turned out getting to know MY PAST, and embracing the power of self-love was really the turning point in this process! If I am honest with myself, I began my search to better understand myself after my childhood narcissistic revisited experience. Perhaps somewhere, still and always my sixteen year old brain will remain forever hooked on the fantasy of my “perfect” childhood love revisited. In an ironic twist, as my past relationship spilled into understanding my past, my sixteen year old brain begin mentoring my six year old brain that also remains hooked on the idea of parents that both love and cherish their only daughter. Both of these fantasies were just that…fantasies! Like going to the gym or flossing my teeth, I have to remain disciplined about working on self-love and self-understanding while keeping true to REALITY. Reality is not fantasy. Reality tells me regardless of the diagnostic label, the man I loved will NEVER love me in kind. MY parents will NEVER be loving and adoring. My desire of wanting love will only skew my perceptions if I allow it. This does not mean I am not worth love and adoration, it simply means I will NEVER get it from these sources. However, if I am disciplined and willing to move away from the “addiction” to the fantasy of love and acceptance, from my parents and first love, it is my firm belief I will discover it! This is a cumbersome and arduous task. It is a constant and vigilant re-tooling of my mental process. However difficult it is, this up-hill path that will eventually lead to a place outside the narcissistic space, a destination worth the discipline required to pay the freight!
Day 51 Your Assignment
While difficult, try to embrace your own reality. Weed out the fact vs the fiction that has taken root inside your own person narrative.