These are touchy and controversial thoughts. First, let me begin by saying to myself and anyone reading, along, I am so sorry for the pain you suffered in the name of something as natural as simply wanting to be loved. There is no one more sympathetic to your pain! It feels like love, should just be a birth right, and yet by now we have all learned it is not. A friend of mine describes what I am about to say as blaming the rape victim for being raped… I say this is not about blaming the victim for her own rape, rather about learning how to defend herself the best she can against violation! However painful this topic, it is worth my own personal exploration; moving forward (from a place that feels safe, I suggest you feel yourself in safe emotional head space before reading on) I ask myself this; if I can take the credit when things are going well in my relationship, don’t I also need to take some of the blame when things go bad…well NOT with a narcissist I might answer! Still, while a con artist, is a con artist, is a con artist, the truth is each day shouldn’t I fortify my own resolve so that I am not easily duped! If I blame myself for not allowing myself to be abused and as a result the relationship ends, then do I still have ownership in the demise of the relationship? Let me stop right now and say that I am in no way trying to assign blame just trying to start an internal dialog in in order to help you reflect on how to better future relationships. If I began a relationship with good intentions and somewhere along the way things went bad regardless of the underlying deception of the partnership, didn’t I still had choices all along the way?? Ok … I am afraid of abandonment, codependent, emotional drawn to abuse…these things may not be my fault in and of themselves. However, allowing myself to be taken advantage of time and again doesn’t this fall on me?? If I don’t take ownership of some of my behaviors, then won’t I continue to be drawn into the same circular abuse? If the mantra is I am drawn to abuse, I am always in an abusive situations, I am not happy in my relationships, if I am always in this same place should I be willing to accept part of the blame for my own unhappiness?? With the exception of blame for my situation will this also empower me for meaningful change?? The painful right answer for me feels like it should be yes! However, I am not suggesting that my yes is the correct yes for anyone else or that you should ever take all the blame. I invite you only to think about the dynamic as together we keep moving farther away from the narcissistic space.
Day 64 Your Assignment
If nothing else know this…there will be a time that you feel better! Hang on to that though! Work towards that end! Think about your patterns, if it is too difficult for now, move on to something else. There is always time!