Every layer, every lie, every understanding realized, brings normal into view. Leaving the known, no matter how soul crushing, requires a great deal of self-reflection, discipline, and hard work. By now, and by that I mean over a year of therapy, research, and a great deal of applied energy into action, I am beginning to see normal with greater and deeper clarity. While I have reflected on this subject before, it is worth revisiting as each movement forward is a new vantage point. The “getting” to the other side is slow and messy emotional kind of business, requiring among other things both grief as well as celebration. I guess for me the two look something like this; I have grieved the loss of your soul mate from Hell! I have grieved the ideal perfection I saw in my “perfect-love.” I equally grieve the understanding that the wounds “the love of my life” dug deeper, were old and festering for a long time. I celebrate my chance to see the truth. I rejoice in the opportunity to find peace. I am determined to find my own happiness and discover normal. In short, be patient, it is a long process! Getting from the “narcissist break up ground zero” point to normal, is a much longer process than I anticipated. After all, it is not a “normal break –up!” Words like trauma bonding, love bombing, crazy making, reward, punishment, gas lighting, grooming, hovering, no-contact and so many more narcissistic relationships words are just NOT part of the normal relationship lexicon. While I am no authority on the subject, it seems to me normal is NOT a place where anything I need is punishable by silent treatments, threats to leave me for someone better, or comments meant to diminish my preferences, likes or desires by shaming me out of having them. Normal IS a place of safety, mutual respect, where the everyday giving and taking of two people moving together is quiet, and to some measure easy… Every layer peeled away from the narcissistic facade reveals a deeper truth, both of the pathetic narcissist as well as the internal strength that has brought me (and I hope through my shared experiences, you) closer to normal…
Day 69 Your Assignment
Do not be afraid to celebrate your progress or allow yourself to feel washed over by grief. Remember this is a process. While I am not going to win any popularity contest by saying this… recovery is a LONG process. Stay no contact with your narcissist as you peel away enough of the narcissistic layers to really see and feel normal!