Day 70- Postmortem Analysis Becomes New Relationship Paralysis

Day 70

Richard Grannon, Spartan life coach did a really nifty video blog about the brain’s body guards. It makes more sense to me now as I try to understand the continued ways in which I overthink new friendships.    What I gleaned from Grannon’s blog; the way I see it, my brain is a superpower, equipped with emotional defenders!  These protectors work very hard to identify and keep me safe from emotional and physical harm.  They alert me to threats.  Their job is keeping me safe.  They caution me to lock my door, stay off of dimly lit streets, and be mindful of bad neighborhoods.  They urge me not to text and drive, and yes, the even warn me to keep my nose clean from narcissistic “crusties”, despite my predisposition towards the abusive or chaotic narcissists. My emotional body guards try to keep me narcissistic free while desperately trying to understand what happened because it is their job is to identify threats.  The narcissist that claimed to love me and did all kinds of really great things for me (in the beginning anyway-) was hard to spot as threats!  Convincing me that the crazy-maker that felt so righteous was really NOT good for me, was a big undertaking for the protectors!  I spent so much of myself trying to make sense of a man that continued to claim that he loved me, yet treated me with profound disregard, while blaming me for not seeing the goodness in his motivations! Once free from the narcissistic spell, the guards, (still not able to help me fully make sense of what happened) are in a kind of overdrive.  So it is easy to understand why I spent so much time trying to figure out what the hell happened – so it will NEVER happen again!  Fast forward a year later in walks Joe Almost Normal…and my brain is still on this protective overdrive.  I have the tendency to over think everything!  So any offense can become a glaring red flag, and that old pattern of analysis can really gum up new friendships. What to do?? A friend gave me some good advice; rather than focusing on each individual exchange, try and look for patterns.  Is my new friend guilty of making the occasional mistake, or is it a pattern?  Narcissists are great at making a first impression, and then slowly moving from Mr. Wonderful to Mr. Hatful-sneaky -Mean-Guy, leaving your guard in the wake of perplexing analysis long after the discard. Long lasting adult friendships that move from the platonic to the romantic are NOT so charged with the initial pixy-dust nor do they dissolve into a black abyss.  In other words, the swings from good to bad are not so profound.  So given that insight it is important not to get caught up in over analysis of every slight…

Day 70 Your assignment

Choose your battles carefully. NOT everyone is a narcissist!!  There are a lot of really good people out there, ready and looking forward to find someone as special as you!!  Be mindful, and look for patterns that may not be a good fit for you for the long game, however, give yourself and the world a chance. Living a better life is my best revenge against the narcissist and his sadistic hope that your life is in ruination!

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