I try to think of my life as a process characterized by the notion of perfect and improving. Still there are defining moments. It is these crucial sobering moments that MOST define character. Who am I in the face of death, illness, bankruptcy, divorce, and accidents (i.e. the unplanned, unforeseen catastrophic)? Equally as important who am I in the face of self-reflection- when I MUST shoulder the blame of my own fate? There are many reason to blame my parents, my narcissist, my country, the world at large for the condition of my life, but this does not serve me well. It is owning the joy as well as the burden of my life that I believe will bring me joy. I write this in the future tense because this has been a recent discovery. Most of my adult life, I have operated with a profound measure of fear. I think when a person grows up with the kind of deficits that makes them vulnerable to narcissist (however those deficits manifest) the underpinning is fear. Fear of being alone, not good enough, abandoned and more which are all driving factors that made me vulnerable to a narcissist that promised to make that all better. That is why “self-love” as I see it – a kind of partnering with yourself is the only ticket out! There is no magic dust. No one single person can fill that void. It is a daily struggle and a daily celebration. For me recovering from my narcissist is a continual process of self-inventory. Making small goals that range from finally cleaning out the crawlspace to spending quality time with the people that mean something to me are all a daily reminder of my freedom! Knowing better means doing better- each day is an opportunity!
Day 75 Your Assignment
Start small, for the next three days and make goals in areas of your life that you typically ignore. Make yourself a play date to hang out with a friend, your children, or another family member. Make a decision and put forth the effort to clean out that closet, cupboard or drawer. Try something new and then decide if it makes your life better and if the answer is yes incorporate more of it into your daily life.