I want to remind you again that what I have written are my observations and personal conclusions drawn from my own therapy and research… Narcissists create disharmony! That is there job! They create emotional chaos, but equally as interesting what about environmental chaos? In addition keep in mind, these twisted components; narcissist dehumanize people and humanize objects to fully understand what might drive the emotional chaos to extremes. So what does this all mean? It means that objects are very important to the narcissist, whereas people… not so much. So again what does this mean for you and your recovery? Well, it means the ability of identifying dysfunction is paramount to your recovery. If I imagine personalities traits on a kind of emotional number line, two types of organizational extremes exist. The compulsive organizer as well as the compulsive mess maker. Both extremes lend themselves to creating chaos and disharmony for the people living in these dark place. My narcissist was a compulsive organizer. He had notebooks from high school still filed away in the attic of his extremely organized home. While he tried to hide it at first, if there were any kind of mess within the house it was like scratching nails on a chalk board for him. However, like all narcissist there is inconsistency! There were moments he was messy, but it was under his control (he tried to appear normal), but this was a manipulative ploy to trap you into confrontation! The confrontation would evolve along the lines of after you were lulled into a relaxed/messy environment and let your guard down by being a little messy like him. He would begin to criticize me and quickly escalate to yelling at me for being so messy even when it was only a minor household object out of place or where he believed it needed to be?!? As I began dating other people, I discover the other type as well, more like my mom, the unorganized hoarder, the person who hangs on to everything just like my narcissist however they just simply cannot organize well. This type uses the MESS to control and keep people at a distance. No one can be perfect or know when it is OK to make a mess and equally no one NORMAL wants to live in the soul crushing mess of an unorganized hoarder. Both my narcissist boyfriend and my narcissist mother will argue that they are PERFECT in how they manage over their environment. I have learned to notice how people live as an indicator to their internal narrative.
Was your narcissist an environmental control freak? Was he or she compulsively organized or disorganized? Be mindful of extremes as you reenter the dating world. Look at the entire picture before you jump into a relationship. If someone does not want to show you their home be cautious. There are many ways people can manipulate and control you!