It is from a place of “alone awareness” that recovery from narcissistic attractions and ultimate relationship failure begins. It is like when an addict admits they have a problem, and from that ground emotional zero they begin the arduous task of overcoming the addiction. For the addict, that dependence ends up retarding their very maturity. It is my thought that the same is true for people addicted to abusive and soul crushing relationships. However, bad relationships DO NOT SEEM like addictions. In fact, it is like a socially expected norm; that a few bad relationships are like the “primer” for the “ultimate –good” relationship that is right around the corner. There is even a socially acceptable tag; the “serial monogamist.” And while I guess there are some very happy people transcending the intimate realms of their lives in such a fashion, I wonder if it is as satisfying as the creating of a long term bond with another person? Narcissist and the people that try to love them are trauma centered. Bonded by a mutual unresolved childhood wound, the broken hearted continue to dance. In an attempt to fully resolve myself of the narcissistic attraction stemming from trauma, I had to first admit I felt alone and abandon by my parents. This was SOUL-CRUSHING! Then from there I had to grieve. Therapy was good, but now comes the grief… Grief is brutal, but it is a process. Recently I looked into grief support groups and I am humbled by the dramas so many of our brothers and sisters endure at the hands of people never deserving children. The GOOD NEWS is YOU and I have spent countless hours examining (YOUR) my role in (OUR) my latest narcissistic union, while trying to remove (YOURSELF) myself from the tyranny of the all too well known narcissist. That makes me and you a survivor! It is not easy to break old habits, but that is all they are, habits. Some of us learned that chaos and dysfunction were normal. Some of us were told we are not lovable. Some of us see abuse as love and love as painful. Each of us that was born into this kind of crazy have had to hit emotional rock bottom to realize that we have choices. We could choose to do nothing falling deeper into the abyss, accepting our fate and recreating the same misery or change. Change requires stopping bad behaviors, admitting and giving into the origins of the profound aloneness, giving up the known, grief as process and THEN moving on…
Day 79 Your Assignment
There will be really dark days as you grieve the loss of your relationship. There will be even darker moments as you try to reconcile your past with your present. Seek support grief groups, at least try one. If not a group, read about grief. Write a note to yourself. Tuck it away in a safe place and on it write down all your strengths, remind yourself of all your beautiful intellect, reassure yourself that a good thing can be just around the corner and smile. Every minute of every day holds an opportunity for change and growth!!