I understand the NEED people have to want the hoover, because with the hoover (hoovering is a technique that is used by Narcissists (and other manipulative people) in order to “suck” their victims back into a relationship with them. Hoovering is often done after the silent treatment and is given when the victim has left them) it is the dearest hope of the victim to want the return of one’s Narcissist and in some cases can come with the hope of returning to love bombing scenario (love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention) and affection or perceived unconditional love. So how I understand this process goes something like this; my brain has a default setting. In times of hopelessness, grief or despair I go back to the place I felt the best. This of course for many, including me is the love bombing stage in the narcissistic courtship. It is that palace where I felt amazing, I felt I could no wrong. Perfect! My very existence was all he needed to feel complete. It is like a mother’s love. (And here is where it gets weird!) as a “normal” mother loves without condition, she cares for her infant with limitless and boundless endearment. It is from this place of lacking unconditional love that makes the love bombing stage SOOOO glorious. It is a natural place to go when things are not going well in my “real life.” So the default setting of my past narcissistic love bombing stage reboots whenever things are not so nice in my real life. However, real life is not a love bombing stage NOR will it EVER take the place of a MOTHER’S UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. You either got it from your mother or you didn’t! If you didn’t get your mother’s unconditional love, the love bombing is only a cheap imitation. It is a deep rooted con, an illusion perpetrated by someone equally as damaged in the hopes of eliciting a reaction from you. This is a platform for disaster, certainly not a foundation to build a lasting relationship. The good news is once you can declare what is truly lacking in yourself it is from this place of knowing that a person can move forward. It is again a most difficult task. There is no easy answer and by no means easy solutions for such a complex problem. If we accept the current wisdom that narcissist and their counterparts are drawn together because of mutual childhood trauma, then we it owe it to ourselves to discover the origin of the trauma and grieve it in order to evolve from it and then hopefully move forward.
Day 80 Your Assignment
Real and meaningful change can only come when real and meaningful change is applied to one’s life. Recovery is as much as decision to get to the real heart of the matter…in this case your own heart! If you are looking for a hoover is it because there is something lacking in your past or present life? While identifying the parts of yourself that are lacking is difficult, it is also part of the problem as well as the solution. Who is the more evolved you??