Sam Vaknin, self-proclaimed narcissist in two pithy sentences describes himself as a narcissist that “Loves to hate and hates to be loved.” In theory, a speculative polarized opposite or complement to his-(this) nature a pithy reply…”I feel a deep and profound need to love and in twisted way also love to need.” This is the place I feel most at easy. I want so desperately to love and feel a kind of easy in the place where I love to need. The unmet need, the failed adult relationship are my sweet spot. It is not as if I want consciously to be here but here I am all the same. Since 9/11, the world has changed, however my internal narrative has been slow to adapt. As I close over a year of therapy, I have come to identify my condition, state of affairs, “disorder” if you will as an arrested maturity due to unresolved grief. This arrested maturity has made coupling, parenting family and friendships dynamics extremely difficult to manage. I wonder, if I had met a wonderful, loving normal man early on in my life, would I be blogging about the unyielding depression that comes with trying to live out some kind of a normal suburban life? Not because I was really bored, but because it would seem, for me anyways unresolved grief DOES NOT just magically DISAPPEAR! As a result of my new insights, I decided to find a grief group or counselor. I went to a local mega church (outside of my faith). I was drawn to the mega church as every week night the parking lot was filled with cars and signs that advertised different groups. I found a number of groups, I began exploring the recovery groups. Oddly enough, it was here I found a world of people who understood my grief, shared in my life experience and most surprisingly to me was that they were asking for NOTHING (no money) in return for help. Surprisingly enough, I remembered (something I had forgotten) my mother was an alcoholic and my father was a rage filled misogynist. The fellowship immediately got me in touch with those past memories as well as a local pastor, (grief counselor) who once again asked for nothing (no money) to help me feel better. The world is an amazing place! There are avenues for all of us if we are committed to the hard work of recovery of any kind. It appears cost is not always a problem if you are sincere about getting some kind of help or support. I am not sure I will ever be the kind of person that finds comfort in the closeness or will be able to deliver on the promise of true union, however this is my ground zero. What began as this 90 day journey, has turned into 15 months and counting of arduous self-reflection. Feeling as bad as I have felt about myself, I am always surprised to discover that people see something salvageable in me.
Day 81 Your Assignment
Like me and possibly you, there are so many people looking to find relief from grief and childhood trauma. Do not let money be an excuse to not find support. There are places to go and people who will understand your grief. For better or worse, my circle of influence did not understand or could not relate to my experiences. I am hopeful I have found a place and a group of people that will. Do not be afraid to try places outside of what is comfortable for you…