Day 90 Perfect and Improving- On Moving On!

Day 90

So the detour from my originally planned 90 day journey to almost a year and half (so far) to complete these 90 posts has been well worth the trip.  I would have never thought to say it in the beginning, however, what began as the end of bad soul-crushing relationship, turned out to be one of the best adventures in my life.  In the past months, I learned so much about trauma, both mine and his, and in the process of that, discovered that the world while a tough neighborhood, can also be good and loving place.  I understand that in all my time of feeling alone, (just like you) I am not alone! There are amazing safety nets that appear the moment you look for it!  Help and support manifests in the most unexpected and beautiful turns in the road.  Recovery is a process, and not an easy one.  It begins with the understanding of who you are, ending with the knowing of who you choose to become.  Committing to that process of “becoming” is the most valuable part of the lessons learned.  Learning to renegotiate the negative narratives that drive behavior while becoming your own best friend is a challenging, but the only way out of the narcissist’s hunting ground.  Recently, Time magazine touted a cover that reported “TRUTH IS DEAD,” in a sermon at my church last Sunday, the Father explained that it is not truth that died, it is humanity that is dead to the truth.  It is in the discovery of our own truth that gives us the ability to move forward!! I have no choice but to continue writing for the next 90 days.

Your Assignment

You are perfect and improving-the first 90 days are just as important as the next 90 days!


Day 89 Kicking the Narcissist Addiction!! 12 Steps to Narcissist-NO MORE!!

Day 89

There is nothing new about the 12 steps recovery model. I wonder if the tool could be used to help those of us trying to break free from abusive narcissistic relationships. Can the twelve steps be used for any addiction? Are narcissist’s addictions?  Just as narcissist are addicted to narcissistic supply can narcissistic supply provider also be addicted to narcissists?  Certainly anything that aims to takes you high, only to smash you down, that continues to draw you in could be considered a powerful negative addiction.  Trade out the word alcohol for narcissist and I wonder if this could be a useful tool for recovery?

  1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I was raised in addiction and unyielding crazy. I prided myself on not being addicted to drugs or alcohol, still could my narcissist be considered my drug of choice?  It was in the pastor’s office, as I explained my “love-story” that I began to understand the underpinnings of addiction. As I spoke about the unyielding fear of my narcissist’s inevitable hoover and the shame I felt at the idea of being easily sucked back into his craziness, it became clear to my new counselor that I was an addict of sorts! He identified the source of anything that takes me high, only to smash me down, that compels me to continue to want to be close to it, is a negative addiction.  How odd to think that a person could be addicted to another person! Worst yet to be addicted to a person that abuses them!  Well if I am addicted to people that continue to hurt and abuse me, then I should be able to break the habit as well! So as I examined the 12 step of breaking free of alcoholism, it made all the sense in the world that I could apply the same tool to abusive relationships.  So another tool in the arsenal of recovery.  One thing I have learned over the course of this very long journey, that each of us as we struggle in our own way to find our way out!

Your Assignment

Review the 12 step program, and see if it can help in breaking free from you narcissist!

Day 88 Preparing for the Hoover!

Day 88

For most of you following my blog, or any other blog about narcissism, the “hoover” is a well-documented part of the narcissist tool box. Briefly, the narcissist objectifies all of his prey.  The narcissist continues to see his victims as a part of himself, as a result thinks nothing of returning to feed on them with little regard for their mental wellbeing. The hope is in-between the hoovers, victims are able to assimilate new understandings and insights into old narratives and behaviors.  Be strong. Be ready. It is coming! While this is hurtful to be sure, I think that narcissist return for one reason, and one reason ONLY-that is to continue feeding and punishing in order to be able to feed whether consciously or unconsciously (if you or I allow it!)  They are very skilled sadistic punishers, feeding off of your hurt.   Sadly, I think that there sadistic punishing agendas are simply a way (perhaps the only way) to quiet their own internal shame; one of the very emotions these trauma driven people experience.  Regardless of the why of it all, what to do?  The inroads for them are astonishingly predictable, hang up calls from unknown numbers that come at times he would always call, texts meant for someone else, a mention of you to someone somewhere somehow, a breach into your life.  Ok the day is today, you are face to face with a man (regardless of what he says) his intent is to eventually punish you for loving him and feed from your reaction.  None knows this better than you and I… the victims!  Everything you have done, all your work, research and therapy can be gone in an instant if you are not careful, so be VERY CAREFUL.  KNOW enough to CALL THE END GAME and WALK!  That is unless you are legally obligated (i.e. children together) to have some kind of contact, but even in the case of court ordered contact, protect your heart from involvement   Move along! Unlike LOT’s wife (looking back at SODOM and GOMORRAH,) (in the old testament the angels said to her “DON’T LOOK BACK”, but she did and paid the price)!  To do this you must know well before he returns that NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS, you will not allow yourself to look back.  This requires mental preparation, discipline and trust in yourself.  The inroads to healing my childhood traumas were (are) painful, yet rewarding.  No one can heal for me, fake promises of love are like the fake news, don’t believe it!

Day 88 Your Assignment

This is a very difficult post for me as I know and can feel the hoover is coming, I am prepared, but I also know it will be difficult. Be ready and know you are deserving of so much more than the lies you are about to hear. There is an old saying, “When the snow melts, the shit show.”  Live in your own springtime!

Day 87 Anxiety and Adult Attachment Disorder and the Narcissist Relationship!

Day 87

Anxiety, adult attachment disorder and how it all become part of a narcissist relationship!  A quick Google search will produce a bounty of information on anxiety, however, this definition is more than enough to make the point!



noun: anxiety; plural noun: anxieties

  1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

“he felt a surge of anxiety”

synonyms: worry, concern, apprehension, apprehensiveness, uneasiness, unease, fearfulness, fear, disquiet, disquietude, inquietude, perturbation, agitation, angst, misgiving, nervousness, nerves, tension, tenseness; More

informalheebie-jeebies, butterflies (in one’s stomach), jitteriness, the jitters, twitchiness

“his anxiety grew”

antonyms: calmness, serenity
    • desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease.

“the housekeeper’s eager anxiety to please”

synonyms: eagerness, keenness, desire

“an anxiety to please”

      1. Psychiatry

What is Adult Attachment Disorder?

Adult attachment disorder is a term used to describe the emotional dysfunction of someone who cannot form intimate, caring bonds with others. The dysfunction may manifest itself as either a rejection of close relationships or a constant demand for them. Many of the signs of attachment disorder in adults overlap with those found in other conditions, such as borderline personality disorder. Signs of a disorder that avoids or rejects intimacy include excessive criticism of others, argumentative behavior, and provoking anger in others. Those who have an intense need for relationships, may be possessive, jealous, and have a heavy dependence on their partners.

Behavioral patterns that continually block any possibility of loving relationships may indicate an attachment disorder. These behaviors are usually self-protective mechanisms to prevent intimacy. On the other side of the spectrum, a person who has an overwhelming desire for a relationship may not seem to have this problem, but may be using attachments as a way to counter insecurity. Many of these individuals risk losing their partners as a result of their constant demands for closeness.

So what do these psychological terms mean to me (you) and the narcissist relationship I (you) am trying to end?? If a person has anxiety or fear about getting close to another person, then selecting a mate incapable of such emotional closeness is perhaps an unconscious way to protect oneself from hurt.  These albeit, old childhood hurts or traumas, are not always close enough to the surface to really remember, see and understand.  The unconscious is NOT so forgiving, remembering everything! The trauma manifest for each person in ways that prohibits true closeness.  If I continue to select people more damaged then myself then how can I be to blame? Well, I didn’t know he was a narcissist, antisocial, a psychopath, (name the ill) I tell myself.  However, is that really true? Did I see abuse, neglect, (name the behavior) and make excuses or tell myself he WILL CHANGE! As, I have become more aware of the series of short-lived connections, and ill-fated relationships I have managed to involve myself with, regardless of the WHY OF IT ALL, it is in the end, really me who suffers the most.  This is the value of understanding and re-calibrating the internal narratives.  As long as I am fearful of real and true intimacy and real and true connection to another person, I will always be drawn to those incapable of true connection, because of my own inability to connect!  It is like driven by a divine sense of humor that gives to each of us what we desire most!  So if I continue to look for a relationship yet deep inside I am fearful and actual deflect real and true intimacy I will always be drawn to the unavailable, reliving the same childhood drama that has made me who I am today!  

Day 87 Your Assignment

Review these terms, do they resonate for you? It is knowing where you are now, that can get you to where you want to be. I guess the most important part of any journey, is understanding (at least attempting to understand) the steps from where you began and where you end.  Without a clear vision of both start to finish road will be easily lost.  Stay on your course! No matter how long your 90 days take!!

Day 86 Brokenness, Commitment at the Narcissist Table!

Day 86 Brokenness, Commitment at the Narcissist Table!

People that come from broken place, tend to be broken.  To embrace and understand one’s brokenness is good starting place to begin understanding one’s strength.   The ability to stop recreating brokenness is a legacy worth pursuing.  Just because a person comes from a broken system (and what I mean by broken system is a place where narcissism, alcoholism, abuse, and addiction run the show) that doesn’t mean that this cycle needs to continue, however sadly more often than not, it does.  The problem inherent to brokenness is CONDITIONAL COMMITMENT.  Conditional commitment is a way to ameliorate the potential risk of hurt.  Conditional commitment says I will commit to positive change IF this, or I will commit to positive change UNTIL that.  Full commitment says I commit to positive change regardless of this or that!  Commitment to the commitment is equally as important as letting go of the attachment to the attachment. It is a full out, unyielding self-propelled movement.  This movement has the potential to take a person from a place of darkness and into a place of light.  It is leaving behind old ways and carving out new inroads.  This is an arduous, yet rewarding process that takes time, patience and above all COMMITMENT to positive change.  No one can do this for you! This is a solitary game.  The good news is that once the commitment to commitment is in play, real and positive change can occur. Success breeds success.  As true commitment replaces conditional commitment, better things are sure to follow. Narcissist are the quintessence of conditional commitment.  They love us if…They love us until… Narcissist set their table with conditions, and ask us to sit and eat! If we are hungry for love direction, to some measure this may satisfy…at least for a while!  But there is nothing nourishing about these kinds of relationships.  I am not suggesting life outside the narcissistic fantasy relationship is all unicorns and gold at the end of rainbows.  In fact, I am saying real life is challenging, bitter and sweet.  It is the commitment to the commitment towards positive change that will sustain real narcissistic free change!

Day 86 Your Assignment

Think about your commitment to your commitment towards positive change.  Do you follow through?  Do you commit predicated on the “if this or if that platform”?  Imagine yourself committed to real positive change.  What are your goals? Set in motion at least one goal towards positive change and STICK to it!  

Day 85 Subtract to Add- Five Tips on Narcosis Math!

Day 85 

Tip one; subtract idealist crazy love, and add the quiet sanity of friendship.

Tip two; subtract the idea that HE-SHE can change and add the idea that only YOU CAN!

Tip three; subtract the vested interest of negative internal narratives, and add the possibility of positive self-assurances.

Tip four; subtract what you imagine exists, and add a dose of reality.  Reality can be beautiful as well as REAL!

Tip five; subtract the nagging feelings of being alone and unworthiness, and add the feelings of belonging. In other words, subtract doing nothing and start doing something!

While life is never just this easy, in some ways it is just not that hard.  “Subtract to add” is a good way to think of doing narcosis math, (only if you can also remember the only variable you can control is YOU)!! If you can identify and subtract all the negative thoughts, behaviors, and influences that got you tangled in the narcissist space in the first place while adding the tools you need to escape the space, victory is assured!    While the formula may seem easy enough, the equation is a very personal and painstaking solve.  No two answers for every person will ever be the same.  The answer to find normal is one that requires both subtraction as well as addition.  It is personal. It is time sensitive.  It is the only way I can see of getting out!  Change requires subtracting old words, thoughts and actions while adding new words, thoughts and actions.  It is a numbers game!!

Day 85 You Assignment

If I have learned nothing else, the most valuable thing I walk away from this journey is that the only thing I can control is me.  I can choose to be lost or found. I can chose helplessness or I can choose to take care of myself.  Choose to take care of yourself!