The journey continues- As I moved out the darkness of the narcissistic space, like an addict off the booze, I was forced to rework my life. Abandoning the addiction, the fantasy of false love, I was forced to examine all of the pillars that underpinned my loneliness. This was a bitter sweet journey beginning with the heart breaking realization that my mental image of my childhood sweet heart was a lie, but as I have stated many times a trip worth taking. These next days are more about that clarity that I hope will come from embracing ground zero of loneliness. The journal also acts as a continued reminder that there is no magic formula or set amount of time to pull out of the grip of narcissistic abuse. It is two steps forward and one step back. Abuse of this nature only occurs in the narcissistic space, not so much a real place, but existing all the same space! It is more like a mirage, a kind of head space that manifest because two people are willing to buy into a narcissistic fantasy- lie. Fantasy-lie can be a great release from a brutal reality-truth, but in the end remains just that, both a fantasy and a lie. Once removed from that head space, for better or worse I felt far more in touch with my own reality as well as my own demons. For me, those demons were about trying to belong in places that I just didn’t fit. Dealing with my childhood shame and history of dysfunction that would take far more than a few blogs to fully detail. I now realize, in my early adult life I was NOT working on the best version of myself. I was emotionally festering from deep inside the childhood wounds. This made me an easy target for the guy who was willing to tell me exactly what I wanted to hear! Working from the outside in, trying to recapture pieces of a lost life or more to the point trying to gain acceptance and love from indifferent, sadistic, withholding types of people that were just not interested in giving me what I needed was my way of doing business with the world. This draining pursuit of the love lie, was (and is) just that…a never ending battle, that kept devouring me. Like the mirage, narcissistic love is a cruel promise that from far away looks beautiful but disappears the closer you get! People say you have to love yourself before you can love others. While I understand and respect the mantra, the truth as I see it, love is way a thinking, a guiding principle that if used correctly will break the chains of dysfunction and loneliness. Platonic-love, romantic love, love of the world, the love for a purposeful driven life, may begin with self-love or is it the byproduct of self-love? Embarrassing the world, learning to hug, experiencing the world outside the lines while finding purpose is a tall order for those of us unable to get beyond our own trauma, anger addictions and grief. Moving forward is about the maturing evolution of all areas of life, it is a process one that requires one thing to be successful and that is no matter how slow the movement forward, never giving up!
Day 91 Your Assignment
Continue your efforts to find your own way. Never give up on your vision. Know you are not alone!